We are fed with the same sentimental, candy sweet story since the early childhood. First, we are told about the handsome prince on a white horse with his lifetime task to save and charm the princess, then at our teenage times we read the tip-column “How to make him fall in love with you in 30 days” in “Bravo girl”-like magazines and eventually we set off on ongoing ups and downs journey of looking for so-called soulmate. And once we succeed and find this ideal match (but in real, the love-hormone works its magic), we land in paradise! But this is not the topic of my post.
I would like to start from my favorite end scene of the movie titled “Before Midnight” (here: click). Jesse and Celine. Happily married couple with a very romantic story in the background. The kind when two people constantly bump into each other at the very unexpected circumstances but somehow fate does not favor them as there is always some obstacle to overcome to be together. Anyway, the situation that they are facing is quite dramatic as Celine confesses that she is no longer in love with Jesse. And what does Jesse do? After many attempts to turn the whole situation into a joke and cheer her up with many compliments, he eventually gives in and says:
“If you want true love, then this is it. This is real life. It’s not perfect, but it’s real”
I cannot help but wonder if every love affair has an expiration date and what is left in best-case scenario is loyalty, attachment and simple friendship? Or quoting scientific truths, is it all about the biological tendency to turn into the mode of stabilization and soothing predictability once building the nest? Or going even further, when we land at the crossroads once we realize that despite that apparent tranquility in the relationship, we happen to feel that something very undefined is missing and the given person is no longer able to fulfill some emotional or intellectual needs? The question that arises is: are we doomed to have such endings?
The fundamental thing that needs to be acknowledged is the very simple truth. Once we decide to be with someone, we need to be ready to accept him or her just as he/she is. Without any attempts to modify, shape, improve according to our expectations. Why is that? Because it is the quickest way to ruin everything that is valuable. The only life that we can influence and control is our own! Each person is an independent individual responsible for fulfilling his or her own needs, treating complexes and festering wounds from the past. No one should bear the responsibility to play the role of your personal hero always ready to save you from the depression, loneliness, dissatisfaction. And the reason for that is the simple fact: you and you solely know exactly how to solve your problems! And your soulmate should not only complete you as a second-half but rather serve a role of an independent whole giving you new perspectives and ideas that you can simply learn from and cherish.
Coming back to the essence of the reflections: what is really behind the sentence I don’t love you anymore? You no longer make my problems disappear? You are not a safe shelter anymore? You do not give me enough emotional, intellectual input? Or you simply did not become the person that I’ve pictured that you would become. And here it is the key thought of the case. I do believe that happy and long lasting relationship can only be built when both parties feel co-responsible for the personal state of happiness and fulfillment without delegating the task to the partner. And what makes the love flourish is the feeling of pursuing the same goal.
Quoting the Little Prince: “Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”